No I Can't Attend Your Pity Party, But Here's What I CAN Do.
2020 is the year I scream “NO! I will not attend your pity party” unapologetically. I refuse to continue to trauma bond with people.
The last few years have been such learning experiences.
I’ve helped people My whole life, but the last few years, I’ve truly seen the downside of being there for everyone. You don’t even look at it as trauma bonding at first, you just see that you have something in common and your way of thinking aligns. In the past few years, I’ve fallen into the “woe is Me” trap presented by others that I’ve trauma bonded with and on the back end, found Myself hurt and in disbelief. In both situations, our relationship was solid until I started to find stability and make progress in My life. My progress always seemed to trigger something in them that turned them cold, jealous or made them stop associating with Me the same.
Now, I realize that with My life and luck changing, My mindset and verbiage was as well. At one time a staunch pessimist, I learned to see the bright side in every situation. I started constantly reminding Myself that I either won or learned, never lost anything, just learned a lesson on what NOT to do. Changing My vocabulary was so important to changing My mindset. For so long I identified as a victim. Hell, I introduced Myself with My disabilities and wore My trauma on My sleeve. The whole time, I was miserable. Why wouldn’t I be? All I ever talked about was My pain, trauma and victimization. Any time someone said something strong or encouraging to Me, I was ready with a negative retort.
Being as though I didn’t work due to My disability, had no hobbies, no close relatives and few friends, I was often starved for attention and connection. My sickness had caused Me to change My life so much that I felt like I barely knew Myself. I was only a shadow of the old Me. I found Myself not even wanting people to know how smart and talented I was, I disregarded My old life and accomplishments and lived in My story of disability, low self-esteem and depression. It didn’t take long for any of My positive friends who were making progress in their lives, to start fading away.
I was toxic. My mouth spewed venomous pessimism, My actions belied My dreams; I squashed them with My inactivity and self-doubt. My friends tried to stick it out with Me, but I was the misery chick seeking company and they weren’t bout that life. They wanted to live, and they understood words have power. My negativity surely could start to affect them, maybe it already had; all I know is they went away.
For a while, I felt abandoned by all the “good” people in My life; I hated feeling so alone and started working on Myself. Once I started My healing journey, everything changed; The way I talked to Myself, to God, to others. I no longer wanted to run people away by unloading all My trauma or problems on them in a blitz attack conversation. I became the one who looked for the message or blessing in every situation, no matter how dire. My energy output changed and I watched My life blossom in return.
I share this story, as I share most messages, to inspire through My own lessons.
While I lost some good people, I found Myself. I found hope. No two people’s healing journey will look the same, however, we must pay attention to those around us who are hurt with no interest in healing now. It’s easy to recognize in some. You may notice behavior such as
Refusal to try new things
Unproductive habits and routines
Pessimistic outlook on life
Downplays their own accomplishments as well as the accomplishments of others
In the last few years, I’ve noticed My circle getting smaller and smaller until it was almost non-existent.
As My bank balance, influence and happiness increased, a lifestyle change became imminent. The first steps to a lifestyle change are the mindset shifts. I’ve gotten less and less interested in being around sad, angry, hopeless, pessimistic people. I come from such an extensive background of mixed trauma that I can surely relate to others who have suffered and identify as survivors. That word matters though, survivors. There’s something about those who live with a survivor mindset that is beautiful; you watch them live freely because they realize that every day is a gift. They remember when they felt life was over.
On the other hand, those who live with a victim mindset can be mentally and emotionally draining. They act as if every day is their last, every situation will be the one to take them out. In retrospect, I realize that’s why My coaching is directed at survivors, everything Stronger Than My Struggles does is. I champion warriors, not victims. Pity only goes but so far.
I have a big heart. People who live in a victim mindset tend to be extra needy, they attention seek as if attention equates to love. Its understandable, we were taught that the squeaky wheel gets the oil. While attempting to live in My purpose, coaching survivors out of the darkness; the stigma, shame and stereotypes associated with their pasts, I’ve been invited to, and attended, many pity parties. I constantly found Myself exerting all of My energy trying to liven it up.
I’m refusing to attend pity parties in 2020, here’s why
I’m solution based. Yes, I will listen to your problems, I’ll let you vent, cry and even watch you go through bad habits and bad days. But after so long, I’m looking at you and asking if you’ve gotten it out and what the next step is. It’s okay to vent, be angry, depressed. Anything one feels and experiences is valid, but at some point, reality must set in and if you want to change something, you must change some things. I’ll start offering solutions. If you choose to overlook them and wallow in your own misery, you’ll notice My silence because I don’t know the words to “woe is Me”, the victim’s favorite tune.
I suffer from mental and emotional stability. I’m not saying I’m going through any more than anyone else is, but that’s just it, we’re all going through something. The severity of problems we face indeed changes from person to person, but none of us are without problems or complaints about where we find ourselves in life. I work hard to maintain My mental stability, My health and wellness in general actually, and it can be thrown off seriously by the overload of other people’s problems. I constantly seek and enforce balance in My life and relationships. I can’t always be the one trying to lighten the mood and shine a light on the bright spots in dark places.
After attending enough, I’ve learned that not everyone wants a celebration, some prefer their pity party. They don’t even care if anyone attends. They are going to be down no matter what happens, to them, there are no bright spots to life. Just struggles, desperation and despair.
Instead, when someone is down. I can/will:
ASK if they want advice or if they just want to vent. That way I know exactly what they expect from Me.
If they just want to vent, I’ll sit with them and listen. If they want advice, I will offer quality advice based on their specific situation.
Offer positive words when I speak
Avoid going down the rabbit hole of “what ifs” with them. I will focus on the actual problems they’re facing at the time.
Set healthy boundaries that allow Me time to process and recharge after taking on their energy and problems
Pay attention to if they are attempting to fix, diffuse or heal from their circumstance or if they are seeking attention and playing victim so I can adjust how much energy I give them and judge if/when it’s time to put some distance between us.
This year, I will pay as much attention to My mental health and well-being as I do to those around Me. I’ve gotten majorly distracted and at times, missed opportunities or deadlines because I was either wrapped up in someone else’s problems or was too exhausted from being wrapped up in them. It's important that we are supportive, positive and loving with those who aren’t in a good place, but we must not become enablers. As a life transition coach, I specialize in helping people break free of their procrastination, stigma stereotype and shame associated with their lives; what I won’t do is wallow in misery with them.
If you or someone you know are struggling with low self-esteem, negative self-talk and are seeking to create a new lifestyle, visit http://www.melonyhill.com/coaching